2 days ago… it was 5 years since my family and the world lost you.
My little brother.
It has been a sad, difficult, heart-wrenching, aching, complex and bittersweet journey that I would not wish upon anyone. Although it is unfortunately something as humans, we will all be touched with one day or another.
One thing it is for sure though… is a mother of a learning curve.
I stumbled upon this recently, by Zaim Ricochet.
So here is what I have to say. Here are my truths about grief. Maybe someone needs to hear them.
1. It gets better.
2. This makes me happy for the living.
3. This makes me very very sad for the dead.
4. It is not a club.
5. I don’t always know the right things to say either.
6. It does not make death seem any less scary.
7. I am actually more afraid of it now.
8. I cry in funeral scenes in just about every movie or TV show.
9. I am not necessarily remembering yours… I am more likely feeling sorry for the fictional widow of the war hero and wondering how she is going to sleep tonight and who is going to help her get her dressed in the morning. Because I know what it all means.
10. Talking about how you died doesn’t make me feel good.
11. Talking about how you lived does.
12. People never seem as interested in the latter.
13. Sometimes I use fun distractions to help me get over losing you.
14. Sometimes I use losing him to help me get away with fun distractions.
15. I don’t feel different on momentous days. They are just another day with one down.
16. I do feel different when I see someone who looks like you. For a minute my brain tricks me into thinking that maybe you are actually all grown up, alive and beautiful, working for the CIA and this was all just a ploy to keep us safe.
17. Those moments are like cutting a scar wide open. Except with skin that is trained to heal. And doesn’t completely hate the pain.
18. I miss you. And can’t wait to see you. I need to believe I will so please don’t make me question that.
19. Fighting over grief is like arguing over who drew the more realistic angel. No one really knows. So be your own saviour.
20. I love my life and everyone in it harder than I did before. This part was really difficult and it’s taken me years. But if you can. Love full blast.
21. I am a better sister because I have one less brother. I stood up. I like to think I would have gotten here alone, but truth is, I don’t know.
22. Twenty-two. That’s how old you, our baby boy should be turning this year. I’ll celebrate for you. Like I try to everyday. Because if it’s true what they say…. When you lose someone, they go on living in your heart …. I want to make sure it is a beautiful place.
XXXXX Dear Bubba – You are the king of my sky and it is full of pinks and aqua, possibility and imagination. You are in my fairy tales and luckily as you know, I believe in them like a warrior. I love you now and forever and just because you didn’t break me, doesn’t mean I don’t love you with every inch of this tattooed sun-spotted skin. XXXXX