Grudges Aren’t My Thing. And Turns Out Judges Aren’t Either.

I’m going to tell you about last week. It was raining against my window and my heart was soaked. There were cyclones. One in the sky. The meanest of the mean. Her name was Pam. She was coming for us and then decided to let us off easy. There were others though. There were typhoons on my phone. Message after message from friends trying to make decisions. Navigate. Figure things out. There were floods in my family. Changes and a lot of talk. Inter-country shuffling of the members.

Then to top it off, there was a storm in my conscience. There was a turning point looming. When I would be called upon to walk my talk, to put my money where my mouth is. To stand up for the truth, not just preach about the importance of it. I had to go to court. And devastate someone I once loved.

That’s the funny thing about love I think. It’s like energy. It doesn’t really go anywhere. It changes face. It masks as anger and disappointment, pride and forgiveness. But it always there. The knowing of another human being and what they were to you.

I was emptied when I walked out of that courtroom. Not because I thought I had done the wrong thing but because I suddenly realised how much I didn’t want the truth to be the right thing. I wanted a different truth. And nothing I said would make it so. Nothing I said could ever make it different than what it was. Everything I said, would only tear the fantasy further apart. A fantasy I once wanted to believe, almost as much as the storyteller.

Somewhere in the middle of being questioned, I had a desperate desire to get off the stand and bundle up both the humans in the room I knew. The ones I have cherished and chastised, the ones I have lamented and loved. I wanted to grab them and run. I wanted to forget the fights and all the falsities and dive right back into the old storyline.

And I guess that’s how it happens maybe. How people get carried away. I always thought I couldn’t understand it. How people lie. But I can. I can see how sometimes the truth takes more than just courage. It takes sacrifice. And I can see how just speaking it, doesn’t make you feel any better. Or more importantly. It doesn’t make everything miraculously better.

But it is what it is. It is the due north. It is the only stable ground on which to stand. It is the ensuring of an eternal Summer. It is right. And in this case, it is necessary. But sometimes it leaves you standing alone. Sometimes, you’d ‘honestly’ prefer to ignore it.

( xxx Time Is On Your Side. Even You Think I’m Not xxx )