#BAFFLED Why haven’t these things been invented?

Bula, Aloha, Hello, and Happy New Years to you beautiful people!

It is I, Matisse! Here with you once again, sans my high horse (tied her up out back), with a coupla’ questiony questions about this wild wooly world.

A few things just aren’t adding up and I want to get to the bottom of it. So grab a tea and be prepared not to spill it. Just enjoy that delicious mug of flava flav’.

This is safe space for the confused and curious. I am your captain. Welcome. Let us begin.

So it has (irritatingly) come to my attention that there are a few items I do not have, that I absolutely NEED. In order to live my best life.

The only reason I don’t have them yet is because low and behold, they have not yet been created – and this aggravates me so.

I just KNOW there is a great market out there for them (me) but I lack the skills and knowhow to create anything really beyond a spreadsheet or child. Henceforth I have not made them myself.

So this is a call to action to (other) geniuses. Please explain thyselves? Where pray-tell are the following:

AN ALL-IN-ONE DOUBLE PRAM THAT BECOMES TWO CARSEATS THAT ALSO BECOMES TWO BABY SLEEP ROCKERS AND ALSO BECOMES TWO HIGH CHAIRS … AT THE CLICK OF A BUTTON !

Here is a rough draft. (You are most welcome)

Frankly, it is a complete mystery to me why this wasn’t the first thing ever invented. I would use it much more frequently than the printing press and fire combined. I throw my hands up. I understand nothing.

The amount of hours I have shed tears and my youthful years over malfunctioning straps, ridiculously convoluted belt threading systems, and folding mechanisms that only astronauts and astronauts alone can operate is … many.

Not to mention the sheer SPACE required to shelter all of these separate (but uncannily similar) contraptions is ABSURD. Once you have more than one kid, it seems you have to live in a warehouse fit with forklifts and industrial elevators in order to house the essentials.

And yet, the children themselves are so teeny? It’s all so weird.

It strikes me as breech of trust between us and you pram / car seat / high chair people. I mean, it took me but a moment to think up and map out this solution!? Surely you have had it under your belt for years? (Which coincideeeeeently, following the law of logic, is also where the baby seats will go!!! Under. The Belt. Instead of through it, over it, in it, out, back around, twice twisted, over the top, tug here, pull here, give up and burst into a ball of glitter here.)

Whoever is in charge of this industry, please get inventing immediately.

SECRET SANTA POLITICAL FUNDING RULES AKA DEMOCRACY

Something else I’d quite like.

Dear whoever currently runs the whole world (come in Beyonce and/or Mr Rothschild sir?) I have a really great idea! Perhaps other people have already had this idea, but let us promptly forget them.

So this stroke of genius stems from my complete confusion over why oh why oh why companies are allowed to privately fund electoral campaigns and is also inspired by … Secret Santa.

Firstly, isn’t it weird and loopy that we must give up actual independence and ability to action cleverness, in exchange for potential political leaders getting some hats and pamphlets in the lead up to actually being leaders?

Don’t we have free apps for that now? Canva? Have they heard of ‘boost post’? It’s utterly baffling.

Do we really need to make rich people (and not to mention the most BORING of boring companies) the shareholders of our livelihoods forever and ever more amen, just so government teams can go around (on what is essentially a big road trip) meeting people and handing out free things?

Hamish and Andy did the Caravan of Courage tour without having sign an agreement with arms dealers?! I’m 87% certain of this.

So enter another invention! Secret Santa Political Funding!

It goes like this:
Hey everyone. Merry election! As you know (because it makes perfect sense) everyone can only spend $20 dollars and do their darnest best. Good luck. Oh, you know what you cheeky scoundrels, make it 20 million! Go on. And here, take it from this big pile of money I have right here. I call it, the actual Government budget. Off you pop. Have a blast. May the best of the best win!

The End.

Ps. I can see why officially calling it ‘Secret Santa Political Funding’ would be confusing for many. But honestly, no more confused than we already are.

Ignore this. I think I came up with it first. Or at least like only 5 minutes after watching Jennifer’s ‘Unbreaking America’. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfQij4aQq1k which also might (definitely) have mentioned a similar idea.

A CHILDREN’S DANCE CLASS WITH A SEPERATE ROOM FOR ADULTS TO ALSO SIMULTANEOUSLY DO EXERCISE

I flat out REFUSE to sit for an hour in a stinky carpeted cafe while my daughter prances around only to THEN find a babysitter for a DIFFERENT afternoon so I can go and stretch and downward dog my way back to God.

Please for the love of Liam Hemsworth, combine our time.

Oh, but to clarify, not our rooms. I am not looking for a mums and bubs scenario where I balance her on my legs and we twist ourselves around each other and call that a workout. I call that ‘sleep-time’. I am very much looking to be in a quiet space. Put a glass wall in between us if you have to for safety. Do what you have to do. Make it happen.

AFFORDABLE HOUSING IN AUSTRALIA

Sooooo what the actual is going on? I’ve been gone awhile. Are verandas a thing of billionaires now? Are grass and access to natural elements out of the question for us? It’s all very confusing. I had always imagined having a tree. Must I now purchase said tree from Pottery Barn and keep it in the toilet? I am so very confused.

Thank-you in advance.

Yours truly.

Matisse.

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