Ladies and Gentle-People it is time to do another blog!
For those of you who have been loyally following my journey of life via the ol INSTA-STORY today, you will know I am a teeny tiny bit drunk. Which actually serves as teeny tiny reminder for me to go and serve myself another glass of cold red wine.
So I am back … and I am also about to turn 31 (in 3.5 months). So I’m over here thinking … what BETTER time could there be for me to write an adorable little piece, giving advice to all the clueless 20-somethings out there, who want, nay NEED, my vast array of wisdom?
Wisdom learned by experience. Through follies (had to Google that word). Valleys and Mountains of … like other stuff. Years. Otherwise known as …. LESSONS LEARNED THE LONG WAY ROUND! A subheading of blog entries I coined back in the late 2010’s when I was looking for a way to tell boys how much I had GROWN in the month of July and how cool it would be to date me now. (It worked a treaty charm I’ll tell you what …)
Anywho. Onwards and Upwards.
Here some Lessons learned the Long Way Round:
1) Unless you are indeed from the Bronx and have many a scary Uncle, please do not wave your long fingernails in my face. I will not be frightened. I will merely look at your shellac. And perhaps pop onto the ‘PANTONE’ app (that yes, I have) to go on a mighty adventure of polish inspiration.
2) Date as many people as you can. Figure out what works what doesn’t. Don’t marry the first guy who laughs at your jokes. Definitely don’t marry the guy who says he is the ONLY one who will EVER laugh at your jokes because he is the ONLY guy who gets you and no one will EVER understand you like he does. Number one, he is lying. Number two, if he was a train, his next stop is jealous-town, then express to emotional-abuseville. He sucks.
3) Be nicer to your parents. Chances are, you were / are a nightmare.
4) Boobs OR legs OR belly people. I will leave this right here. But before I do. This is a story as old as time. And it goes like this. There was once a girl who wanted to feel hot. So she dressed up like sausage. And she looked terrible AF.
5) When a boy calls you ‘pyscho’ don’t go out of your way to prove him right. Please please please do not break into his house and steal all his books* (Hypothetical situation, that also DID happen to some guy whose name I don’t remember.) Instead, the best way to make a boy sad, is to pretend you don’t remember his name.
6) When given the choice, GO BIG OR GO HOME. … it is perfectly acceptable to chose GOING HOME. I think. I am yet investigate. I’ll get back to you.
7) Most dumb pranks are just that, dumb. EXCEPT for stealing cups, jugs, tumblers from bars. They are really useful and make your kitchen look FUN. Keep that up.
8) If you are a 20-something, try try try as hard as you might to naaaawt have children. This is something that can occur in your 30’s. If you do happen to find yourself pregnant …. remember everything is temporary. You won’t be pregnant long, you will soon have children and that will be much much much harder.
9) Please in the name of all that is good and just and honest … please stop taking photos of your bums. I just can’t take it anymore. You look crazy. One day you will look back at all these bums and just wonder WHY. Which is what I am wondering now.
10) Okay this is a serious one. This is essentially my religion. I learnt it from Netflix’s show LUCIFER actually. But I really think its super smart and quotable. So listen close …
You don’t have to go to church to know …
The idea of heaven … all revolves around forgiveness.
The idea of hell … completely revolves around guilt.
That’s essentially it!
So, with that, it’s actually VERY easy to live in a state of happiness.
Don’t spend your days building a hell around yourself. Learn forgiveness early. Learn it well. Know it, practise it, strengthen it. It is a muscle. Know that forgiveness doesn’t mean lack of discipline, boundaries or growth. It does. It just also means allowing the space and chance for learning. And then, letting things go when they don’t evolve.
So if and when you do forgive yourself for things, make damn sure you do better the next time. Don’t carry on being a piece-of-shite. If and when you do forgive other people for things, make damn sure you put up boundaries if they choose to continue along piece-of-shite highway.
And that kids, is pretty much the secret sauce to being awesome. Accordingly to religion Viva-La-Matisse.
11) If you do encounter a “person” who hurts you deeply …DO NOT tell other girls how much of a d*+#head he is. This will not work the way you want it to. This reads like a CHA-LLE-NGE. Traaaaaast me! (As I learnt this one via accepting such unspoken challenges … ) It’s much better to say “Ah it didn’t work out. He was lovely. But a bit insecure & boring.” Done. Pack it up son. This town be finished wit chu.
12) Buy an at-home hair remover laser machine. LIFE CHANGER.
Xx Matisse (you’re welcome)